Trump/Cohen Press Conference 9.3.15

[TMBJon]

Thank you. Glad to be here. Look at all these members of the press. Boy, they love me. You know why, because I deliver the ratings. What else would people be watching right now if not for me? Jeb? I don’t think so. You know, yesterday I mentioned that people were falling asleep at his events and some people didn’t believe me.

Then today, I look in the news and what do I see?
Look at this!!!!






I’m not making this up, folks! He is a very boring, very low energy person!!

[TMBJon]

Anyway, why are we having a press conference again? Oh right, WOWAY Apprentice.

You know, we had tremendous ratings last night and a really incredible response on social media after last night’s controversial results. My attorney, Michael Cohen, has asked to take this opportunity to respond to a request from Team Pobeda’s attorney, Suzanne Silverstein.



Michael, go ahead:

[TMBJon]

Thank you, Donald.


My firm has reviewed the request for an independent inquiry as filed by Ms. Silverstein. Upon review, we have found that the rules were, in fact, applied fairly and therefore there is no reason to overturn the results. Our findings stem from one important clause in the rules, which was present in the official rules for the duration of the challenge: "Grant will then inform Mr. Trump of his decision, which is Mr. Baciocco’s subjective choice to make and will be binding in determining the winner and loser for this challenge.”


Based on our reading of this clause, Mr. Baciocco’s decision, while certainly controversial, was made in accordance with our governing rules and therefore is legally binding in this case.

[TMBJon]

In response to the further allegations of gender bias in this decision, we have decided to release an excerpt from the actual email correspondence with Mr. Baciocco, proving that the songs were presented to him in a neutral, non-biased manner:

[TMBJon]

No further appeal will be heard on this matter.

What’s that? Oh right...

One more thing: as a sidebar, I’ve been asked to remind you that side conversations should happen in the Chat Topic, not the Game Play thread. Thank you.

[TMBJon]

That’s great. You know, these things happen all the time, and it’s very unfortunate for the losing team, but you will have plenty of chances to redeem yourselves, including later this evening.

No previous reality show host in history has ever subjected themselves to such transparency by revealing so much of their private, personal emails. This is one of the many qualities that makes me such an inspiring, transformational leader.

[TMBJon]

Now, as for my announcement.




Everybody knows there’s nothing I hate more than quitters. That’s why I guarantee I will continue running for president in 2016, despite the haters, and I will win. But it has come to everyone's attention that there appears to be two quitters in our midst.

In light of this, Mr. Cohen and I have reviewed the Official Reality Show Legal Guideboook surrounding absent contestants. We are limited to some degree by what actions can be taken, however, I am truly a master negotiator. So I called up the RSC (Reality Show Committee) and worked out a deal. I’ve printed it out for you, and here is what we are going to do:

[TMBJon]

Kevbo1987 and rangerbob have until the start of the next Boardroom to show up here in Trump Tower.
If they do, they will be able to continue playing the game, though their absence will, of course, be noted, and may come into play in the Boardroom. If they do not check in before the start of the next Boardroom, both rangerbob and Kevbo1987 will be summarily fired before we even begin the Boardroom. This means they will be ineligible to be fired at the next Boardroom because they will already be removed.

Further, this would even the teams to 4 vs 4, going into the third Boardroom. This action will be taken regardless of which team wins the next challenge. So, if Team Groovy loses the next challenge, they must fire one of their other members, in addition to losing the two non-playing members.

[TMBJon]

Finally, I will add that there is a storied reality show history of “The Silent Strategy”. I call it the Marshawn Lynch approach. This can be an effective strategy for some. It’s gotten rangerbob and Kevbo a lot further in the game than Abbeybunny and Annie27 so far, after all.

In recognition of this strategy, I will allow the following: if either supposedly absent player posts any content whatsoever inside the Trump Tower subforum before the Boardroom, that will be interpreted as a “check-in” and they will not be subsequently fired as a result of inactivity. This could be either an excuse or explanation as to why they've been absent, or even no more than a single emoji.
Of course, they might still be fired in the Boardroom, but it will not be a summarial decision as described above.

[TMBJon]

Okay thank you. We’ll now open the floor up to questions from the press...